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Listen, the bestsellers are a lie: Trying not to sweat the small stuff is fine, but sometimes you just need to recognize that even the smallest, most minute little bothers are excruciating and awful. And even though the more enlightened among us (ugh, those people, am I right?) say you need to let go and let someone — maybe close your eyes and take a few deep breaths? — have a slice of your cranky-assed and shouty rage. Because, there are times when letting go just isn’t an option. It just isn’t. Deal with it.
No one knows this more than Larry David who, if you took a poll, would probably end up number one on a list of people who sweat the small stuff, don’t let things go, and plan petty revenge in their spare time. Or, at least, that’s what his alter-ego, George Costanza, did on Seinfeld and what David did in his “comedically exaggerated” self-portrayal in Curb Your Enthusiasm (which is available to stream on HBO Now). And you know what? That’s fine. Sometimes you just need to accept that the world is a place full of people who are out to inconvenience you in ways you never thought possible. And if you’re going to let the things get to you, do it like David: hilariously, unapologetically, and without fear. So, with all that said, here are just a few moments that demonstrate that there are times when kicking and screaming may be just what you need to do. Especially when Michael J. Fox, that lovable bastard, is totally out to get you.
Larry: He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather!
Jeff Greene: You don’t have a stepfather.
Larry: I know, but I didn’t like the implication!
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There’s an unspoken rule when someone’s telling a small lie, and that’s that you don’t call them on it. It’s because we live in a society and people can say whatever they want and, as long as it’s not hurting anyone, adults shouldn’t call each other out on their bullsh*t. When they do, though, like when Larry was called out for lying about having a stepfather, the person being called out has the absolute right to be righteously indignant. Even when they’re in the wrong. Especially when they’re wrong! That’s how life should work!
“I’m yelling for society! For everybody!”
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When Larry catches a woman (Michaela Watkins) not curbing her dog because she doesn’t have a bag, he decides it’s time to take a stand. Not just for himself, of course, but for every person who’s had to step in a pile of doggie droppings because owners were just “forgetful” or “ran out.” Is it petty to yell at someone on the street? Sure. But what happens when you don’t? That’s right: total anarchy. You can’t just let these things go.
Related: How Much Is Larry David Like His Character on Curb Your Enthusiasm?
“I think you’re upset about the shushing, I think you were pissed off about the Hitler mustache I drew on your father-in-law, I think you shook up that can of soda on purpose, and I think you’re clomping now and you made up some bullsh*t excuse about your feet, all under the guise of Parkinson’s, that’s what I think!”
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Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the world isn’t out to get you. And Larry learned that the hard way when his upstairs neighbor, the diabolical Michael J. Fox, made his life a living hell with his stomping and his pushing and his shaken cans of soda. So, what did Larry do? He let the guy have it. Just like so many of us wish we could with our neighbors, co-workers, and even the people we call our friends. Unfortunately, however, it didn’t end up too well for him. Larry actually had to get out of Dodge for months after his altercations with Fox — but, at least, he let it all out. And isn’t that what’s really important? No?
“We’re fighting because you’re a moron.”
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Actually, one hundred percent of fights happen because the other person is a moron. It’s a verified fact, and if you don’t want your glasses crushed by a too-tight hug then you shouldn’t keep them around your neck on that smug little chain. That’ll teach you to pay $219 for a pair of spectacles that you don’t even wear all the time. Send an invoice, Larry will tell you that the lesson the guy with the crushed glasses learned was priceless. (And then, of course, he’ll pee all over that invoice.)
“Nobody likes a tattle-tale, Nobody! So, go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in Hell! Okay!”
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A big part of sweating the small stuff — and it’s all small stuff (TM) — is not letting even those that have taken a vow of silence off the hook for trying to be honest. And you know what? No one does like a tattletale. Is Larry’s threat idle? Absolutely (although a repertoire of idle threats is necessary when choosing to call people out on even the tiniest problems), but who wants to risk hell to find out if that’s where tattle-tales are actually sent?
“You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Okay, I’m just coming flat out and saying ‘help me’. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? $25, $30. $30 to change this tire. $35 to change this tire right now.”
“I’ll give you $10 for a verbal response. $10. Anybody want to make $10 and respond verbally? No?”
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Always remember to hold strangers to the same high standards which you wouldn’t ever hold yourself. Would Larry help someone change their tire? Hell no. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a right to rage at every self-entitled passersby who refuses to help him when he’s just out there, helpless in the street. And next time this happens to you, you shouldn’t fight your desire to rage, either. It’s not like anyone’s going to pay attention (and it’s something to do while you wait three hours for the auto club to show up and charge you $4,000 for a tow).
“They could, at least, lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We don’t want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, it’s a courtesy, it’s a little respect. This is very disrespectful.”
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People, right? The least one can do is fake a sickness when they’re not going to call you up and invite you to an event they already invited you to. And even when it’s a misunderstanding, being like Larry means getting all worked up instead of waiting for a reasonable explanation. Doing this too often will really raise your blood pressure, but we all know how annoying it is when someone says they’ll call and then never does. How many times is that going to happen before there’s an actual revolution on our hands?
Hugh Mellon: Larry!
Larry: Hugh!
Hugh Mellon: Tell me you’re enjoyin’ yourself!
Larry: No!
Hugh Mellon: Glad you could make it.
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The more you tell people how you really feel, the more they’ll stop inviting you to things. It’s depressing in the short-term, but think about how many bullsh*t small-talk interactions you’ll be able to avoid? Of course, they might think your honesty is refreshing and invite you to even more stupid parties where you’ll have even more chances to tell people how you really feel. Lather, rinse, repeat until you either have zero friends (and therefore no problems) or enough that it doesn’t matter how many people you piss off, someone will still show up to your funeral.
“The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew!”
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Sweating the small stuff means being okay with being petty. If you’re paying for a cashew-raisin blend, you’d better be getting one. And if you’re not, you need to write a strongly worded letter to David Schwimmer’s father and demand your money back. Who does he think he is, fleecing you like that? Four cashews? That’s a travesty! (This, of course, applies to all other goods and services as well.)
“He doesn’t have a wife and his parents are dead!”
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When Richard Lewis confronts Larry about stealing his phone message, Larry does the only thing that’s reasonable in a sensitive situation such as this: he mocks Lewis’ confirmed bachelorhood and dead parents. Why? Because Lewis is sweating the small stuff by forcing Larry to change his outgoing voicemail. And that may be the biggest lesson in all of this: Don’t let other people sweating the small stuff get in the way of you sweating yours. And if they try, hit them where it really hurts–in the dead parents department.