There’s hardly a character on Curb Your Enthusiasm (which you can stream on HBO Now) that hasn’t been burned by their association with Larry David. Whether it’s romantic troubles or social mishaps, Larry somehow always finds a way to hone in on the disaster potential in a situation and steer his friends right towards it. His uncanny ability to often unconsciously find these friendship landmines is his part of his essence, and exactly what makes him a terrible friend to everyone on the show. And with a new season of Curb approaching, we thought we’d take the opportunity to take a closer look at those TV friendships and all that bad behavior.
He Has No Respect For The Deceased.
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Why Marty Funkhouser considers Larry his best friend is mystery for the ages. All Larry does is assault the man’s family with one callous social blunder after the other. Never mind denying Marty the right to call himself an orphan — Larry was totally in the right on that one — or being the catalyst for his daughter’s relationship struggles, Larry does the most damage when Marty’s at his most vulnerable.
Larry heaped on the grief when Marty’s dad died and he took one of his golf clubs out of the coffin — a move that probably sealed his place in hell — but that was just a practice swing. Larry really stepped it up when he stole flowers from Marty’s mother’s roadside memorial, not once, but multiple times. Sure, he may have tried to pin the blame on Marty for passing him off a sweaty $50, but it was a weak excuse. It’s only a matter of time before Marty loses somebody else come season nine and Larry shows up to literally piss on the grave.
He’ll Wreak Havoc On Your Home Life.
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If Susie Greene ever snaps and beats Jeff to death with one of his own golf clubs, you can bet that Larry will be the source of her mental breakdown. And she’ll probably go after him next. Granted, Susie and Jeff’s home life isn’t exactly a picturesque model of marital bliss, but it would likely be a lot calmer if Larry wasn’t in it. He’s gotten the Greenes kicked out of country clubs, private schools, and largely been responsible for nearly all of Susie’s public meltdowns. Larry may be Jeff’s biggest client with that piggy bank of Seinfeld money he’s sitting on, but Jeff needs to ask himself, at what cost? Susie shouldn’t just ban Larry from her house, but ban him from her life.
He’ll Traumatize Your Children.
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Larry probably means well when he’s around children. Sure, there was that time he told Jeff’s daughter Sammy to “shut the f*ck up” because he was sleeping. There was also the time he bought a kid a sewing kit and encouraged Nazi-inspired crafts. And the time he shattered Sammy’s childhood belief in magic by ruining the Tooth Fairy, but… where was I?
He’s Ungrateful.
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Friends show gratitude, repay favors, and generally maintain a pleasant disposition when a buddy does something nice for them — except for Larry David. In Larry’s warped mind, somebody doing something nice for him carries with it a burden of having to pay it forward or return the favor. So, he generally opts for the alternative: either rudely refusing it altogether or somehow using the favor to burn the person so bad they curse him out and regret the nice gesture altogether. Sure, Larry could have simply taken a bite of the pie Ted Danson bought for him in “Denise Handicapped” or said he was taking it home, but that’s just not the Larry David way.
He’ll Mess With Your Mind.
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Government interrogation specialists could probably learn a lot from hanging out with Larry David for a few weeks. The man is a master of mental warfare and he doesn’t even know it. As explained in our previous examples, Larry’s adept at driving a wedge between people and bringing a person to the point of mentally unraveling, simply by being himself. Some geniuses are able to produce brilliant works of art or unlock the mysteries of science. Larry’s genius is mindf*cking everyone he calls a friend through the smallest of gestures.
Larry did give his pal Richard Lewis a kidney — though very grudgingly so — in season five, but he made sure to mess with Richard’s head before doing so.
He’ll Sabotage Your Relationship.
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While Larry might subconsciously do his best to tear apart Jeff and Susie’s marriage, he’s been incredibly successful at using his social blunders to ruin Richard Lewis’ romantic life. Throughout Curb‘s run, Richard has landed himself beautiful women that he believes “could be the one” only to watch the relationship go up in a puff of smoke because he made the mistake of introducing them to Larry. You fool, Richard Lewis!
HBO
It’s almost awe-inspiring the amount of unguided creativity that Larry has showcased in the ways he’s ruined Richard’s blossoming romances. He’s done everything from flat-out insulted their fake breasts to drugging them with baked goods and hiring them as secretaries, undoing Richard’s relationships each and every time. He’s truly a romantic menace to all of his friends, but Richard Lewis especially. Be smart and don’t make friends with a guy/gal like Larry.